The Uncertainty Consolation

Suspense Stories | Feb 11, 2013 | 14 min read
180 Votes, average: 4 out of 5
Suspense Stories

The Uncertainty Consolation

Vardan
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I always wanted to see what's out there, then again, who doesn't? What child does not look up into the night sky and think, if only for just a moment, what is hidden in the depths of the world that is hanging above us – so huge, so dark, so attractive and so unreachable. I was one of the children who carried this one idea into my adult life. What started as a childhood dream became a professional determination. I was one of the youngest career officers in the Earth Space Program and was lucky enough to live in a period of human history when the space programs were not just pretty slogans and money washing cover ups but real and concrete projects aimed at using the technology that brought us to the edge of doom (almost half of the world population was killed off during the last world war with another quarter dying of radiation illness and other related diseases in the ten years that followed) at peaceful exploration and scientific progress.

I don't know whether this tendency will hold in the long term, after all, we are humans and the desire for destruction is part of our nature but in this narrow window of opportunity we saw something that was so much greater than us, our countries, our borders, our worldly problems – we saw the stars the way we had never seen them before – as vibrant organisms, drenched in colors beyond our comprehension. As I followed the discoveries taking place almost on a daily basis I trained vigorously in what was known as the elite division of the ESP (or maybe it was just us who liked to think of us that way) – the Human Exploration Wing – we were the ones for whom it was not enough to see the stars, we wanted to walk on them. I was obsessed with my job, it was the cornerstone of a life that was otherwise in chaos – my apartment (in spite of having a one of a kind view of the majestic ESP headquarters and launching site) looked like a hurricane disaster zone with the heavy air of too many cigars smoked and too many bottles of alcohol drunk. My personal life looked exactly like my apartment with the exception of the view. And when yet another relationship with a gorgeous siren (who turned out to be the reincarnation of a mythological sea monster) fell apart following the template scenario, it was my strive for the stars that kept me positive.

With the speed of progress in space exploration, it was just a matter of time till a planet was found which was not just a beautiful concentration of gas or uninhabitable rocks. We at the HEW were the most anxious to hear the news of such discovery. Sometimes, at night, after a long day of training in various situational simulators and hearing theoretical lectures from overage Star Wars fanatics, I would stop at my apartment for a quick shower and bite of Chinese food from a couple days back, and head to the ESP headquarters where people worked four shifts collecting and analyzing data from over a hundred telescopes and a satellite network uniting the technological capacity of all the UN member countries (not being busy spying on each other obviously freed up a lot of resources).

I remember the night that it happened. I had just ended yet another pointless relationship and was looking for a way to escape the very tempting bottle of whiskey sitting on top of cluttered desk and, as always headed to the Star Dome. The Dome was a giant glass structure in the heart of the ESP headquarters – the sky never looked quite a startlingly beautiful from anywhere else. It was always full of people, either working at the mobile terminals or just standing around looking up mesmerized by the view, but there was still a sense of peace and solitude. As I was enjoying the view with a big cup of coffee in my hand I first noticed the unusual activity around me. People were talking louder than usual and gathering around the central terminal with a giant holographic projector which displayed all the data in live format. I joined the gathering crowd. What the terminal was displaying now was a planet somewhere in the Nexus 5 system, over three thousand light years away Earth. As I saw the red letters flashing above the projection of the planet, the world froze - I could hear the murmur of voices around me and the distant echo of my cup breaking on the floor and the warmth of spilled coffee on my pants and my heartbeat in my ears. The red letters spelled three simple words – search results positive…

What started afterwards was nothing unexpected. Various "renowned" scientists enriched the world with their theories on TV with the mandatory "I told you so facial expression" that I detested so sincerely. Among all that Sunday school chorus, there were two outstanding questions that needed to be addressed. First was the basic question – what exactly did we find and the second – when do we get there to see it for ourselves. Both of these questions required concrete answers and the management of the ESP suddenly relapsed into the old good bureaucratic mold where a lot of paperwork did not necessarily mean that anything was actually being done (amazingly, the bureaucrats seemed to be the one breed of man that came out of the scourge of world war unscathed). What the various satellites had caught and identified as a sign of intelligent life was a weak signal coming out of an unidentified beacon from the depths of the heavily forested planet. The basic analysis of the signal did not come up with any conclusion as there seemed to be no logical pattern. Nevertheless, the signal, after being leaked on the Internet, was already the most downloaded sound file in human history and the designated ringtone for the global geek network (a group I am a proud member of).

Concerning the possibility of exploring the planet, for some years now, the ESP had developed the kind of spaceships capable of travelling thousands of light years through a clever mixture of a variety of fuelling elements. There had been no actual tests carried out apart from the gorgeous computer simulations, which I enjoyed immensely. The one problem the scientists were still working on was the survival of the crew of the launched spaceships in such a long stretch of time. Once again, all the research was restrained to theories and long reports, the bottom line of which was that they simply did not know.

While the entire planet was busy downloading the alien ringtone (the remix of which was the number one hit on dance floor charts around the globe), our Human Exploration Wing was busy in-fighting over the candidature of the astronaut that would make the historic leap for humanity and be the first man or woman to walk on the not so romantically named XU 782. There were over three hundred active duty officers in the HEW as of July 16, 2167 and all of them presented their application for the upcoming venture. I was naturally one of the first to apply. After that, we were to undergo a variety of physical and psychological readiness tests. I will not say that I was the best one out there but I did well enough. The one problem I had was the fact that I had a progressing insomnia ever since the night the planet was discovered. At night, I would lie in my bed for hours with my eyes closed trying to get some rest before the tests restarted at 7 AM next morning. Tough luck as my brain simply refused to switch off. The longer I thought about going to sleep the harder it got. The one thing that could put me to sleep – alcohol, was beyond my reach as the daily medical test would easily identify it and I would be disqualified. Finally, some four weeks, 74 tests and 28 almost sleepless nights later the finalists were gathered in the main auditorium of the ESP headquarters. There were almost fifty of us, all looking equally tired but determined to be the one to draw the golden ticket. We were all waiting for some kind of a final test but instead the big glass door of the auditorium slid open and the head of the ESP came in. General Patrick May was a living legend of the space program and a role model for all of us. He was one of the people who participated in the transformation of the war machines of the virtually annihilated states into scientific hubs. A war hero himself, he was famous for putting all his medals on the rocket platform before launch. A tall, athletically built man with calm gray eyes and prematurely white hair, he still carried one sign of war he could not throw away – a long, wide scar was going down his right cheek and neck and ending just below his collarbone. As he spoke, the air in the auditorium stood very still.

"My friends, you have all done exceptionally well and I salute you. As I stand here today before all of you, it makes me very proud to be the head of this organization. All of you are talented and dedicated individuals and your participation in the program has made the stars that much closer for all of us. I am not here to give verdicts or make any executive decisions, for all I know and care - all of you are equally suited to represent the human race on XU 782. Nevertheless, a choice will be made and it will be made by you yourselves. To make this choice more informed for you, I will share some previously unknown and known information concerning our first journey. First of all, the spaceship that will carry the astronaut to XU 782 is a prototype model. It has not been tested nearly enough for this kind of serious undertaking. If I had it my way, the first flight would be delayed for another five to seven years, which would give us enough time to carry out all the tests. Nevertheless, all of you imagine the kind of pressure the ESP is under. People do not really care for the scientific progress being made or the kind of technical discoveries we make. But they do care about the alien signal and what it could mean. So, in our present situation, we have no choice and the launch will be made in exactly three months from today. The chances of a successful launch are just below 40%".

A worried murmur ran through the gathered as General May said these last words. Some people stood up and left the auditorium. The final test was underway, after all. I, naturally, remained. After all, blowing up in a prototype spaceship would be a once in a lifetime experience. I smiled slightly at this thought. General May noticed this and gave me a slight nod. He understood.

"Very well, now let me move on the next topic – the financial compensation. There will be none as we believe that the first mission to a planet with possible intelligent life should be a conscious voluntary act and not something else. Your families will not receive any funds in case of your death or injury. The same goes for the publicity. The name of the astronaut who will fly to XU 782 will not be revealed until after the launch of the spaceship. This will be done for security reasons. So everyone hoping for a rock star status is in for a disappointment".

Some more people left the auditorium. I was sitting in the front row and as looked back I could count less than twenty people remaining in their seats.

"The next topic I wanted to cover is the health issue. As you know, our research concerning the lengthy space travel has made some significant progress, especially in the recent years. Nevertheless, not all the discoveries made in the field are optimistic. We have found a way to make sure that you make this trip alive, given the successful launch of the spacecraft. We cannot however guarantee the preservation of your motor functions. As I said, a lot of work is yet to be done in this sphere. Your trip may leave you temporarily or permanently immobilized. There may be damage to your seeing and hearing functions. In the other words, you may arrive on XU 782 but never know about it".

This last batch of news sent another group of aspiring space pioneers out of the auditorium. I remained seated.

"I am sorry for all the bad news, but I feel that with this kind of a mission you must be one hundred percent informed about what you are signing on for. The last issue I wanted to bring to your attention is perhaps the most important of all. As I noted, you will be piloting a prototype spacecraft to a planet that is over three thousand light years from Earth. The spacecraft, given its characteristics, should be able to get you there in about three to five years. Unfortunately, we do not have a similar certainty concerning your chances of coming back. Simply put, I do not believe you will be ever seeing your home again".

There was a deeper kind of silence around me. I looked to my sides; then looked at the back rows. I was the only one in the auditorium. My eyes met the cool stare of General May.

"Did you hear me out carefully, officer?"
"Yes, sir, I sure did".
"And still you are here?"
"Yes, sir, I am".
"You realize all the dangers of this journey?"
"Yes, sir, I do. But beyond dangers I see an opportunity and a dream that has been keeping me awake for all my life. Beyond all the risks, this is the one goal I have been following all my life and if it evades me now, there will anyhow be no home for me to go to".
General May looked at me for a very long time.
"Congratulations, son, with God's help, you will be the first man to set foot on XU 782".

The next three months went by in a blur of trainings, departure preparations, congratulatory speeches and philosophical rhetoric about the significance of my upcoming mission. For me personally these were another three months of siren dating, drinking, smoking smuggled cigars (amazingly, even after an almost complete world peace there was an embargo on the import of Cuban cigars, which never stopped it, naturally… according to my personal conspiracy theory this was just a century old marketing tool that still worked on people like me) and all the other things which made my everyday life the chaos that it was. The one beacon still keeping me in line was the giant holographic timer above the ESP headquarters with the numbers counting down to the day it would all end. I had no doubt that the launch would be successful. Similarly, I had no doubt that I would never come back again. This was an idea I cherished greatly. It was an idea which made the dates and parties somehow bearable again for there was just so much of them left and then – no more. Just me and space and emptiness and journey and discovery. A child who had once looked at the stars would actually get to visit one. I might not make it there (or make it there intact) but it was a once in a generation opportunity and I was very proud to have that chance.

As the time trickled down to the launching day I said the last good bye – to the beautiful girl that I was dating (and whose name I constantly mixed up with the previous one), to earthquake recovery site that was my apartment, to my favorite music and books (in the post war society I was one of the few who actually still enjoyed holding a piece of processed wood and reading something that was made into movies a hundred times over), to my crazy friends and favorite hangout places, to my favorite drinks and my cigars.

Late in the evening before the Day X I arrived at the launch preparation center. After receiving the last briefings (from people who had never done anything similar before but briefed me nevertheless) I went to my new, fully sterile quarters which would be my home for the night. I had been aboard the ship during the preparations and the quarters looked a lot like the living area of the spacecraft where I would spend the next several years of my life on my way to XU 782. Naturally, I did not sleep at night. And sometime during my Nth insomnia session an idea came to my mind (the chaos), which I quickly drew away (but you like it)…

As the sun came up, I was already standing fully equipped and ready. I looked to the right and there, in the ugly mess of urban (chaos) landscape I saw my building. Maybe it was just my imagination but I think I could even make out the ugly Hawaii themed curtains in my windows - a present from someone, which I kept reminding myself to take down and burn (but you like it). There was a huge crowd gathered outside the perimeter. They were shouting and cheering and pointing at the counter, which was down to just over half an hour till the launch. There was a huge screen floating in the air and showing me standing there in full space suit and looking at my apartment (you love the chaos). I waved a hand and raised another wave of cheers from the crowd. Two people from the earth crew came up to me and lead me to the spaceship. It was a beautiful mechanism – the perfect aerodynamic shape, the majestic curves and the heavenly white hull. This was my new life waiting for me (is this what you wanted?)…

Five minutes later I was securely strapped in my pilot seat (also the only seat on the ship, as I was not taking any passengers, hehe) and I had the marvelous view of the ESP headquarters, the crowd gathered beneath and the counter. As the final minutes disappeared one by one into their digital grave, I caught myself striving to look at them and the crowd (my moment of stardom, literally) but my eyes kept shifting to the city and to the image of the old Hawaiian curtain in my apartment window.

A minute before the launch the face of General May appeared on the screen.

"The world is looking at you, son. Make us all proud. This is what you wanted all your life. Your dream has just become a reality".

I started saying something but my voice was lost in the roar of the engines coming to life. The counter in the sky spit out the last numbers – 5 (are you sure this was your dream?), 4 (did you hate your life before?), 3 (are you running away from the chaos?), 2 (are you sure?), 1 (well, are you?). The explosion that followed was brain numbing but I could still hear my answer, shouted out louder than anything I had ever uttered before. And my answer was – no. Hearing it was very surprising for me, then again, it was not for it was the truth. I looked down to the rapidly shrinking space program headquarters and the city and the crowd gathered below and suddenly I knew what I was going to do. I knew it as well as all the crazy things I had done during my life (in other words, I knew that what I was doing was wrong and also knew that I was going to do that anyway). Checking my safety belts I reached out to the control board, closed my eyes for a second (during which I said every swear word I knew and created some new ones) and pushed the much maligned red button. The button seemed to be taken out of the old series of spaceships and looked decidedly retro (no one really upgraded it because no one really expected you to use it). The writing beneath the button was done in an equally retro font and spelled one simple word – eject. After pushing it, there was a second of silence, followed by a hissing sound and a feeling like you were a cork being pushed out of a champagne bottle. There was a muffled popping sound and I was thrown out of the ship, which continued on its course to the undiscovered world of XU 782. As my parachute opened and I started to my slow descent back to the ground there were a lot of feelings going through my head, the central and strongest of which was happiness as I had never felt as happy as I did just then. Sure, there would be questions and serious consequences for my career along with public disapproval and general righteous anger. Sure, I may even be thrown out of the prestigious HEW division and ESP in general. My life will be back to the chaos that I was trying to escape – the gorgeous siren/sea monster girlfriend, drinking and hangovers, bad cigars and Chinese food almost certainly gone bad, cluttered desk and messy apartment, Hawaiian curtains on the windows which I would always hate but never actually get to take down – the very chaos that I was trying to escape. Also, the chaos I loved for that chaos was my life and I was the one who created it and loved it just the way it was. There would be no certainty and the closest I would ever get to the stars was looking up from my apartment roof but it was just OK with me. After all, who needs certainty when you have life?

The end

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