The Last Sneeze

True Stories | Jul 29, 2015 | 2 min read
8 Votes, average: 2 out of 5
True Stories

The Last Sneeze

I sneezed and my life flashed before my eyes. Oh Gods. The embarrassing moments relieved. Terrible. Awful. But it made me realize something. No one cares if you sneeze. People say bless you sometimes, but who cares. Every sneeze should be taken seriously. I should have had an entire hospital rushing to my aid to save me in case that sneeze went south. It was a very intense sneeze.

But then, just as quickly as that sneeze came it went. It wasn't a crescendo of sneezes. It was one. Solitary. A lone sneeze in the wild. That sneeze was like a sniper trying to take me out. It was hidden. I had no warning that I was about to sneeze. The sneeze came for me out of nowhere. It struck suddenly. Wow. A sniper was the perfect depiction of that sneeze.
Only it wasn't a sniper. A sniper has the chance of missing. A sudden gust of wind or a bad spotter or miscalucation or whatever can throw their shot off. This wasn't the case with that sneeze. I also don't know what actually goes into a sniper shot. In video games I just press then sprint button to hold my breath and that boom. I miss. Because I'm not good at sniping in video games.
But I'm sure my sneeze would be.

No, my sneeze was different. It cannot miss. It has only one goal. Taking me out. Lethally. It's just a matter of it accomplishes that mission or not. It could, it came close. Very close. I only managed to escape death's sweet embrace by the horrific realization that the sneeze was coming. See. That's what saves us all. All humans sneeze. We just avoid death through our realization we're about to sneeze. You see when we prepare for that sneeze, a lot of things happen we don't realize are happening. They are unknown unknowns. The worst kind of unknowns. Things you don't even know you don't know.

This particular unknown unknown saves our life. In reality our mind goes into a state of stasis. We pray hard to the gods for another moment of life. Life not snuffed out by this dasderdly sneeze. And the gods decide if you can live or naw.

If naw you die. If they decide you can live you have to go through a long series of trials. I don't really feel like thinking up what these trials are. But know they are trials. And they're long. Long Trials.

Only by passing these long long trials are you finally granted life. The worst part of sneezes if they can strike anyone at any time. You must be constantly vigilant against their machinations. Be the one to get complacent and not realize you're going to sneeze until it's too late.
So yeah. Moral of the story? You'd better say excuse me the next time someone sneezes. They could die.

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