Seeing/Believing
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Come here, I want you to see somethimg. Take notes. No; really when I say take notes I mean pay close attention. Obviously we can’t take notes. We can’t do anything here except watch them. It’s over here near the border. Where are you? SPAIN? What are you doing in Spain? Come over here. To America. Oregon. Yes, I know I said the border. I meant the border between Oregon and Washington. Here by the highway. What’s doing in Spain? Bulls? Ah. So you’re a carnivore, you like them cows?  No. Not really vegetarian I do love that BK and all that but I mostly avoid red meat. Look there it is! See that car? The blue one? Come on…

Yeah very clean. Notice it’s like a rental? It’s his, though. ’05  I think. He keeps it in good working condition. You’ll see. Just wait. Spain will be there when were done. You know about rewind don’t you? I’ll come with you if you want and show you. You never have to miss anything. I used to watch myself in Charlotte but it was creepy. I know, I know irony… but when it’s yourself it’s different  you see your mistakes and you know how it’s going to end.
Like my marriage. I never told you abot marriage did I. It was one of those codependent psychosexual mindfuck affairs where I always had to amswer for my whereabouts, my fantasies my wishes my money everything. It wasn t that there was a lack of love. It’s kust just that love wasn’t enough to make me not miss my what do you call it ‘autonomy’. Yeah ‘autonomy’.  I couldn’t realistically be expected to give up my personal identity to become somebody’s all or make somebody my all and everything when I had already spent so much time being my own person.
So she’s at work and calling me to make sure I’m at work and whem she gets to the house she’s  going through my shit looking for telephome numbers, addresses, pictures, used up condoms, or whatever. A very suspicious chick
Like any dude is that stupid to take shit home. You leave it in the car.
Highway 1. Goes all the way to Washington. He’s heading North. You ever been on the West Coast? Check out those trees… yeah it is like a travelog  video. Ah! You hear that on the radio? “With the scenery flying by”? Turn it up guy…. I like this song. Not far. The next exit. Huguenot probably. Look at his nose. And that beard man! I mean most dudes wirh beards are cool like Santa Claus amd Jesus but then you got those Ayatollah looking creepy motherfuckers or those douche Van Dyk  wearing yuppies. What’d you call them? Hipsters? My daddy would of called them Beatniks.  Look at these landscapes. Its like the wildness and the people came together and the wildness won. What? So you know this place? Oh it’s just familiar. I get that sometimes too. I was in London one time and turned down this street and all those streets are narrow claustrophobic backwards shit. But when I turned the corner it looked like Fifth Avenue by the park. One side is all white baroque and art deco and over on the other  side is this low wall and trees .
I like a park in the city. It’s a good big green place where the city doesn’t matter as much as it thinks it does. Oh, man won all right, but he still has to acknowledge the beauty of nature. He makes it like a piece of that old time wildness that he wants but at the same time he can control.
So her car breaks down and needs to go in the shop. No biggie. I let her use mine cause she’s got further to go and she can drop me off. Oh here’s the exit. Trees trees trees.  I thought y’all cut down all the trees up here in Washington. I was working at the furniture warehouse and she was out at the retirement center. So for two three days she’d drop me off and come back around to pick me up. So it wasn’t like lock down and I didn’t have any crimes against the relationship to worry about. And that’s where people are different.  When you want to define a crime in a relationship the worst one is -for some people- cheating. You know tipping out to see some one on the side. That can lead to disease and conflicts of interest. And I’m not interested in that business I just like looking and seeing and watching. And theres no harm in that. But a suspicious chick can be a jealous chick on the inside and there ain’t never no rationale for that  some chicks can be cool though but what do you think I got?
Here he’s pulling into a gas station. That used to be Esso, back when the gas stations only sold gas and washed your windshield for you. That was way back when I was a kid, riding around with Pops.
Nice suit. You couldn’t guess it was from a Thrift store. He walks like a Huguenot, too. All calm and proud. He’s got poise you know. Yeah I’m sure he’s Huguenot, man. His ancestors came out of Eurppe about six generations ago. The Catholics were raging about folks not doing religion as fanatical as they were. Everybody else was Devil worshipping.
Who, Satan? El Diablo? Yeah I have. He’s a mean sonofabitch. You would be too if your reputation got all mucked up before you had a chance to establish a decent counter argument.
Yeah. Wash that windshield. Nah he can’t hear me but I talk to all of them anyway. There’s one or two that can make out some noise but they ain’t all there. How many folks in that gas station?
That Clerk looks like he ain’t never spent a day without a wake ‘n bake since he finished high school. Check out miss Dolly Parton. What you think she does for a living? Look at Cosby behind her. He’s checking her out. That’s  the way to start the day. Stoned and boned.
Its not gross. People gotta live. Its like a cardiogram. He’s  paying… you’ll see where he’s going. Anybody notice him? The Brother is all into Dolly. Clerks checking out the cash. Got his change. Right right. Come on let’s go.
He doesn’t drive fast does he. Hes heading into town. I don’t know the name of the town. Oh now you’re full of questions about this dude?  His aura pulled me in and I just came. I didn’t want to do this alone so I called you. Once he’s done we can go and you can head on back to Spain and I’m hitting this little club out in Berkeley. Yeah, I’ll meet you in Spain, I already said I would, gotta show you that thing.

Its a nice day. Calm. Like that day in Charlotte.  Yeah, so my wife she burnt up her engine. Ford. And I lent her ny old Dodge. Crafty bitch, you know she called herself ‘cleaning it up’. I’m at work in the stacks loading sofas and desks. She comes to get me. Nicest lady in the world. Doesn’t make a scene or anything. Sneaky nosey cunt still thinking about appearances. The second I got in the car I knew something was up. It was clean. And she started. I’m telling you it was a fifteen minute drive from Carstons to our house and she filled up every minute with her yammering “so is that what you want? I always thought you might be sone kind of perverted freak but that stuff was beyond the pale! they’re all in the trash now, those filthy books what the hell have I gotten myself into I said for better or worse but you made the worst look me right in the face and vomit! I couldn’t even look at all of that filth! Tell me are you cheating on me? Have you been to any of those orgies? You are a sick man! Perversion! Degradation!  I’m  going to have to talk to Jesus about this here abomination i got mixed up with…” Fifteen minutes of that in the car and then another two hours at the house. Me? I told that nut I wasn’t cheating but she acted like she couldn’t trust me. And I went through the five phases of reconciliation trying to make it back to normal. One – why was I so stupid? Two – why wasn’t I more careful? Three – who told her to mess with my shit anyway? Four – how long can this last? and five – fuck that bitch anyway! After about three or four days she stopped going on about Jesus and perversion and I could tell she kind of wished she had never gone through my car like that. Sometimes not knowing something is for the better.
My goodness look at this place. Its like a tv town. You ever see Mayberry RFD? The Andy Griffith Show. The Mexicans have got to be working double shifts to keep these lawns looking like this. Look at these houses. You come from a place like this don’t you?
I went back to Charlotte after I passed. Its mostly nice like this. Clean neighborhoods, big houses, hedges and fancy fences. Shiny cars on tree lined streets. Kids probably got a momna and a daddy at home. Somebody waiting on them. It’s early, I think it’s a school holiday. No, we never had kids. We wanted them, but… He’s getting out his gum. Can you taste it? I always want to call this flavor ‘green’. It’s cool, and stings a little. Tingly, yeah, that’s what I meant. Old lady with a dog at two o’clock. Pink jogging suit! What are these old dames thinking? There’s the paperboy… this town is fake. Straight out of Hollywood. She’s giving him the business, almost ran over her dog! We’re slowing down. He’s parking in front of this house. Damn, he’s working that gum. She’s looking over here – did you see that? The nerve of kids these days, right? You saw him right? Darn near killed my little terrier. Dog’s probably spoiled rotten, thinks it’s a human kid. He’s nodding; yeah these kids sure are something these days. Oh God.
How old is that kid? She’s fine, she’s still rocking her old ass bones down the sidewalk, trying to undo her osteoporosis and sagging ass. He’s looking at that kid in the rear view mirror. Oh, he’s making a u-turn. No.
Oh god, oh jesus, oh no. What? Don’t you see what he’s doing? There’s the wheels turning… circles of infinty. The bicycle, the tires on the car, the steering wheel. We’re locked in.
He has to work fast before somebody sees him, before somebody comes along or looks out the window. Hey hey kid. He stops and does his best cop impression. You’re squirming next to me because you know what’s going to happen. You hope it won’t happen. You almost ran over that lady. No I didn’t yes yes you did I saw the whole thing. You’re in a lot of trouble. Now we gotta go down to the station and call your parents. This is the part when the wise kid gets on his bike and says ‘fuck you’ and pedals as fast as his little legs can carry him. This is where the ghetto kid just lights out like his ass is on fire and jumps fences, bushes, trash cans, trying to find a place where that ‘cop’ just ain’t. Cause that kid down in Compton, that kid in West Oakland, in east New York, in south Detroit didn’t grow up with that good, decent respect for law-and-order like these good suburban kids did. That kid out there in that ‘inner city’ post apocalyptic dystopia has more fear than respect. This kid is nervous. He doesn’t want to get in trouble. Now you get in the car, we’ll go to the station and talk about this. Say it kid, get on the bike and pedal your fair little ass out of here. I didn’t do anything. That’s fine we’ll tell the desk sergeant, he’ll get your parents to come get you. He’s desperate to get this kid off the street as soon as possible. His car is dark blue. That’s a safe, cop color. He’s wearing a suit. Yeah, but he’s got that creep-out beard, too. Look, you just come down, tell them your version of what happened before that old lady does and they’ll write it all down and nothing will happen. Just get in the car, come on let’s go – he’s losing patience and making imperative commands from an adult authority position. And you’re screaming like you’re about to explode: No. No. don’t get in here, don’t get in here run, run away, just run. Go to that house run to that house knock and when they open the door run in and see what he does. Tell them you don’t know that man. He can’t hear you, he can’t see you. You’re the size of an atom and as silent as a molecule. Oh god. Oh god. No. He’s getting in. Feel his heartbeat? He’s trying to calm himself. His fight or flight is kicking in and its got nothing to do, nowhere to go. And all the normal things that should be happening, aren’t happening. This dude has him. He’s driving away. What did he do with the bike? Stop screaming like that, it won’t do any good. All we can do now is see what happens. All we can do is watch.




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